It feels worse because Gentaro is so far away, when all Dice wants is to scream and be held close. But his mind flashes back to when things began to go south. This is just him being naive and soft-hearted, isn't it? A coward. He never thought he was a coward, but he feels like he faced his death like one. Wouldn't a better man simply have accepted it? He has to be stronger.]
I hesitate to ask another favor of you, but would you mind coming a little closer? Just... this feels like you're avoiding me. Aren't we friends?
[ Gentaro looks surprised. He'd taken a seat away from him, because he hadn't wanted to impose. He hadn't wanted to make things worse for him, but when Dice asks him in such a way, how can he deny him? ]
We are. [ He rises and takes a seat next to him. Dice's warmth radiates, and Gentaro fights the urge to pull him close or lean on him and hold him. ] I didn't want to presume anything, or make things uncomfortable for you. I'm certainly not avoiding you.
[ A pause. He hesitates. ]
I know that after a traumatic event, some people may not want another close.
[Dice is silent for a while, looking down into the tea. How does he admit to his feelings at a time like this? Or... should he even do so?
No. He shouldn't. But after all the nights he spent thinking of Gentaro's fingers in his hair, or Gentaro's hand in his... Ah. Well, maybe he deserved his wife's wrath after all. Political marriages weren't supposed to be fun. Yet he'd all but fled it when he met Gentaro.]
Truthfully, the only thing I want right now is to be by your side.
[It isn't the whole truth.]
I had to see you again before I died. I couldn't leave you... [A panicked moment.] ...I couldn't leave you not knowing what happened to me, I mean.
First, it makes his heart and pulse race. Dice is an easy read, but Gentaro doesn't want to go spilling his feelings when he's wrestling with what's happened. Second, it makes him feel guilty, because Dice deserves better.
Gentaro is quiet for a few moments before he rests his hand over Dice's. In the end, he's a selfish creature, and he craves his touch so desperately. ]
Then, by my side you'll stay, as long as you wish.
[ He pauses. There's a bittersweetness in the way he'd wanted to see him, even after all of that. ]
... It's good you came to me. I wouldn't have turned you away for anything.
[Wanting to see Gentaro one last time was all that kept Dice fighting, and running. That alone should speak to his feelings. But maybe that isn't enough. Maybe that's selfish, too. Maybe he really is just spoiled and stupid.
The moment Gentaro touches him, though, the tea in Dice's hands nearly falls. He manages to keep it upright at the last second, before turning his hand to hold Gentaro's.]
And when I disappoint you, will you kill me, please?
[ Dice is looking at him, holding his hand, and Gentaro--
He stiffens, blood running cold. Gentaro can't even pretend to be calm, because he's so shocked at the request. His hand instinctively tights around Dice's. Kill him-- ]
No.
[ His voice is firm, and he locks eyes with Dice. Gentaro knows he's never looked at Dice like this. Try as he might to deny it, he's upset. ]
I refuse to humor such a foolish request. Even if you begged me, I would never raise a blade to you.
[He wants to ask why. But instead he looks into those eyes, those fierce, beautiful eyes, and he makes a choice.
Leaning in rather suddenly, he presses his lips to Gentaro's. It's nearly a miss, it's foolish and not thought through at all, but Dice stays there, lingering for a moment if Gentaro will let him.
When he pulls back, he looks back to the tea, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.]
Sorry. I know I'm stupid. You're just the only person I can't imagine ever disappointing. If you hated me, I wouldn't know what to do.
Gentaro doesn't push him away, and he's just returning the kiss when he pulls back. He's about to say something, but the tears in his eyes alarm him. Dice has always felt so much, has always put his heart and soul into everything he does. Of course he would feel absolutely miserable. Everything had been ripped away from him.
He decides he hates seeing Dice so defeated. Gentaro takes a breath, then brings his hand up to Dice's cheek. Gently, he turns his face to look at him. So often, he overthinks things.
But not today. He leans in and kisses him. This time, it's a proper kiss, soft and chaste. He tastes the mint and honey on Dice's lips, and when Gentaro finally pulls away, he looks at him seriously. ]
You have no need to apologize for anything. As for disappointing me... we've known each other for some time, have we not? If you were to disappoint me, you would have already. [ A pause, and Gentaro decides to go for it, because being with Dice makes him feel just a little more reckless. Dice needs to know that someone loves him. ] How could I hate you when I love you so deeply?
[If Gentaro is surprised by Dice's kiss, Dice is ten times more surprised by Gentaro's. He isn't used to this deep, intense feeling of belonging, of being loved. He's not sure how Gentaro could possibly love him. Of course, right now he's not sure how anyone could love him. His eyes close at the kiss, and the tears fall freely, his shoulders shaking even though he knows before Gentaro actually says it what his feelings are.
They met shortly after Dice's arranged marriage, when he'd just come of age and been placed on the throne. His mother had been regent for so long that he thought he wasn't actually going to be crowned, and he was fine with that. He was a gentle person with a love of adventure and finding new things to see. Gentaro had been welcome excitement after his disaster of a honeymoon.
Yet he'd tried to rule fairly and make good decisions, despite the queen's negativity and her always stopping just short of stabbing him in the back. He hardly let her coerce him, always tried to forge his own path, but as soon as an heir was produced, she stopped listening to Dice entirely.
And then she tried to kill him in his own bedroom.
And he ran.
He ran past the guards who were stationed to finish the job, through the angry mob he never suspected, from an assassin she hired when she realized he was still alive... Because as long as he was alive, she couldn't be in charge.
She never loved him, not for an instant. And, he realizes now, neither did his mother, who he's sure was complicit.
But Gentaro... he loves him. And he'll stay by his side.]
[ Gently, he takes the cup and sets it to the side, near the edge of the cot. Then, without hesitation, he wraps his arms around Dice. He holds him and buries a hand in his hair, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. He hadn't wanted Dice to learn how cruel the world could be, especially not like this.
He loves him so much it aches. It feels so surreal, his confession. Dice deserves much better, but maybe he can stop thinking that and simply let Dice love him, too.
He can't say no to that, when Dice asks him to let him stay. Gentaro's world is much harsher than his, but that's what he's here for. To protect him, to tend to his wounds. To show him the beauty of the world, too, all of that which has been kept away from him.
It's dangerous, but Dice knows this. And he wants to stay with Gentaro. ]
I promise. [ He touches his forehead to Dice's. ] Nothing will make me turn you away.
[Dice loses himself in sadness for a while, Gentaro's arms around him, a gentle hand in his hair. This is what he's always wanted from the world, he knows, but was always called a coward for wanting. He never wanted to be a prince, or a king. He wanted to be far away from formality and stiffness, away from cold glares and colder words. He wanted to be loved this whole time, and now that he knows he has it, he's completely falling apart.
He nods at first, because it's all he can do without sounding like an idiot from crying so hard. But when the tears let up and he stops desperately clinging to Gentaro's tunic, he pulls back and manages a watery smile.]
I love you. [Sniff.] I figured it out a few days before... before all of this. I had to see you again. I couldn't die without telling you. I... was trying to figure out how to tell the queen, but I suppose I don't need to now.
[ Gentaro really wouldn't mind if he kept clinging. It's strange and new, having someone who loves him back. Far from bad, but... it's so different. Now that he's found this, he will never let it go. He will never let anyone take this away from him.
His heart's racing, pounding in his chest, and he's struck by the urge to kiss him once more, so he does. It's still soft, gentle. He realizes he wants more, but he refrains, because Dice is an absolute mess, and he doesn't want to push him into anything. ]
Dice... [ He draws in a breath, then teases with a soft, affectionate smile-- ] Well... now you will see me every day. I hope you won't tire of me.
[Dice chases the kiss this time, melting into it, not wanting it to end even if it is gentle and kinder than anything he's ever known. He wants to get lost in Gentaro, to never feel as desperate and lost ever again, because this man is his protector.
Of course, every time he imagined something foolish like running away to join Gentaro, he knew he'd have to learn to be quicker on his feet, to fight and to hold his ground. But with someone like Gentaro at his back, he told himself, he could absolutely do anything.
That smile makes Dice smile in turn, and the soft, careful way he says his name, like it's something precious. Like he is something precious.]
I won't. I could never tire of you. [And Dice isn't the type to swear something so permanent so easily.] I'll do whatever I need to do to earn my keep and stay with you.
[ His heart feels so light. Even if things will be much more difficult for Dice moving forward, he's more than happy to guide him through it all. Gentaro isn't a fool. He knows Dice will end up hurt at some point, but he will do everything he can to minimize it.
He lets out a quiet laugh and slides a hand to cup the back of his neck. ]
Earn your keep? As kind as the offer is, I will have none of it. I want you for you, Dice, exactly as you are. You have nothing to owe me and nothing to prove to me.
You... saved my life, though. How could I not owe you anything?
[He wants to look away, because he's at least present enough to be slightly embarrassed right now. But he doesn't. He looks right at Gentaro. This is the man he's spending the rest of his life with, and he hopes to all that's holy that it is a long life.]
I mean, not that I have much to offer. But I will learn. I'll be a valuable member of your...
[Wait, hold on, what's the nice name to call a band of thieves, anyway?]
Your retinue.
[Nailed it. The floundering makes Dice laugh slightly, at least, which bleeds off a little more of the tension he's been holding on to.]
I will, Gentaro. I won't be weak ever again. I have you, after all.
[ Gentaro looks at him seriously, though. He knows that once those sorts of thoughts set in, it's painfully difficult to shake them. Gentaro hates that Dice thinks them now. ]
I did not save your life for you to owe me. [ His voice is soft, but firm, because he needs him to know and understand. ] As long as you are happy, safe--relatively--and by my side, that is more than enough.
[ He presses his lips to Dice's. This time, he can't help the bit of heat behind it, but he reels it in. ]
You are not weak. Far from it, in fact. It is tempting to believe so, after all you've been through, but you are not weak.
[He'll soak up everything Gentaro is willing to teach him. Even if he isn't a king, he can be someone Gentaro can rely on. It may take a lot of effort, but he's confident he'll make it through. And he'll stand by Gentaro's side the whole time.
He feels weak. He feels broken. The only part of him that doesn't feel irreparably damaged is the part that loves Gentaro. The part that's so devoted, he imagines he would have given up his crown anyway to be with the man.
The heat isn't missed, and Dice doesn't know what to do with it. He'd return it in abundant response, but he's never been kissed with passion in his life. It makes him feel exposed. But as Gentaro is the only person he trusts not to abuse that vulnerability, he so wishes he could give that heat back.
He touches his lips distractedly for a moment before replying.]
...I'll become stronger, though. I know I will. How could I not?
[ Gentaro keeps finding things to love about Dice. He's never seen him like this, though, so unsure and lost. It's not okay, not at all, but Gentaro will help him. He'll be what the others would not, because if anyone in this godsforsaken world deserves happiness, it's Dice.
He brushes Dice's hair out of his eyes, then presses a kiss between his brows. It's easy to keep things light and gentle, but that's how it is with him, isn't it? Being with Dice is as easy and natural as breathing. There's not a thing about him that Gentaro doesn't find beautiful. His strength, his determination, his heart...
His own squeezes, and he clutches him a bit tighter. ]
It won't be easy, [ Gentaro warns him. He figures Dice already knows. ] I will be the only one to teach you.
[ Because Gentaro is very likely the only person Dice trusts anymore. While he wants him to learn and grow stronger, he knows it's a delicate situation. Dice had nearly died, and that leaves invisible scars. ]
But remember this: You are not weak. You came here and survived. Strength is measured in just the physical sense, either. [ He rests a hand gently over Dice's heart. ] You have more than enough here.
[Gentaro sees things in Dice that the man now can't see in himself. He's too young to have dealt with so much over so little, he's in pain, he's terrified... But then Gentaro soothes him, and he wonders for a moment if, somehow, little by little, things will eventually feel okay. He is an optimist like that, or at least he was. He isn't naive or foolish enough now to think this will be anything but difficult. He wasn't made for this kind of rough life, for thieving and maybe even killing. But if he can be by Gentaro's side, he'll find his place, and he'll try to survive.
He still isn't sure he wants to, knowing he'll likely deal with the scars from this for a long time. For now, though, he's safe, and being cared for. And he's loved.]
I want to believe you. I want to.
[Dice closes his eyes, and lets a hand cover the one on his chest.]
I'll just have to work as hard as I can to feel worthy of those words.
[His mind is whirling, but he's still a little sluggish from sleep and recovery, so his brow furrows.]
Part of me wonders what I did wrong. Why things had to turn out the way they did. I had dreams while I was asleep, terrible ones... I'm scared they'll become all too real.
Take as much time as you need. As long as we're together, I will remind you of how wonderful you are.
[ He's showing a much softer, vulnerable side of himself. It makes Gentaro a little uncomfortable. He isn't used to this. Somehow, Dice had done the near-impossible: He makes Gentaro feel safe. And so... he's determined to do the same for Dice.
As he speaks, he holds him closer, running his fingers through his hair again and again. His heart aches for Dice; beneath that is the anger at those responsible. Gentaro knows how he feels, though. There are still times when his dreams feel too real and he wakes, pale and trembling.
He presses a kiss to the side of his head. ]
You did nothing wrong, Dice. You are not to blame for their cruelty. But... those dreams will haunt you for a long time. Eventually, you may learn how to handle them. Even if you do not, there is no shame in feeling that way. [ a pause. ] It is easier to manage when you have someone who loves you and will hold you through the fear. That is to say.... I will do all I can to comfort you, however and whenever you need me.
[The way Gentaro could always speak so easily about the death he'd defied and the adventures he'd been on always made Dice believe the man was invincible. They'd lain together watching the stars, they'd spent hours in discussion, and days upon days apart that made Dice feel dull and lifeless. He wonders if he could've been born as someone else, and experienced all the vibrancy of life alongside Gentaro.
He supposes he will, now. They'll see things together, go places, live loudly and he hopes triumphantly. Hope is a scarce thing for Dice at the moment, but every thread of it he's clinging to comes from Gentaro's reassurances and gentleness.
He presses his face against Gentaro's neck and tries and tries and tries not to cry more, not because he feels he has to harden himself against the world, but because he can hardly stand how gently he's being treated. It's overwhelming, wonderful... It makes him think there's more affection to be had, and he wants to greedily soak it all up. But he can't take advantage of Gentaro's kindness like that. It seems like a one way ticket to resentment.]
If... [He's hesitant.] If it isn't too much to ask, could I sleep somewhere near you, for now?
[ He cradles Dice's head gently and lets him hold on, lets him bury his face. This gentle affection and acceptance is what Dice needs right now. As Gentaro holds him and presses kisses to the top of his head, he realizes he needs this, too. The world has made him weary, but being with someone he loves is a balm for his tired heart and soul.
He's so precious to Gentaro. He'll cherish him without restraint, be there for him, provide whatever he needs. It's the least he could do for him, but more than that, he wants to do these things.
With a quiet hum, Gentaro nods. ]
Of course you can. [ Then, gently teasingly-- ] That is what I intended, actually, from the moment you told me you loved me. I've already grown very fond of holding you.
[Of all the things to ever make Dice's face go slightly pink, this has to be the most welcome. He doesn't even entertain the idea of Gentaro needing him at all, but wanting him around, he chooses to believe, with the last shreds of belief he has in him. He even manages the sweetest smile, even if he's hiding it right now.]
I'm grateful to know you.
[Backing away slightly and dabbing at his eyes with the cast-aside cloth from earlier, he lets Gentaro see that smile. It's a little haunted, but still as sweet as Dice himself.]
Thank you, Gentaro. I guess I'll look forward to being in your arms often.
Gentaro is used to keeping everyone at arm's length--aside from Dice. Even this is very, very new, but he welcomes it. More importantly, there's very little that sets his heart racing.
That does it, though. Dice's smile is lovely and more than enough to make heat creep up the back of his neck. He shows a bit of that surprise, unable to hide it completely. It's clear that he has never had something like this. He's not unfamiliar with intimacy, but this... This easy, honest gratitude and affection...
Gentaro's expression softens from its surprise, and he closes his eyes to compose himself. This is comfortable; this is warm; this is something he hadn't realized he'd been searching for. ]
Mm. I'm grateful that we met, too.
[ He opens his eyes and takes one of his hands. As he raises it to his lips, he presses a kiss to the back of it. ]
You will never be alone as long as we are together.
[His eyes follow Gentaro's movement to kiss his hand, and it just makes him smile more broadly. Honestly, he's gone from mostly dead (inside and out) to being swept off his feet in less than two weeks. Maybe he is still a little naive, because he's really, honestly entertaining the idea that they might be together for a very long time. Possibly forever, or at least for this lifetime.]
That's all I can ask.
[He doesn't know he's making Gentaro's heart race as much as his own.]
...Do you want to show me around, then? Now that I'm not not allowed to come here?
[The fact that Dice found his way here is a miracle in itself.]
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[Oh, the gallows humor.
It feels worse because Gentaro is so far away, when all Dice wants is to scream and be held close. But his mind flashes back to when things began to go south. This is just him being naive and soft-hearted, isn't it? A coward. He never thought he was a coward, but he feels like he faced his death like one. Wouldn't a better man simply have accepted it? He has to be stronger.]
I hesitate to ask another favor of you, but would you mind coming a little closer? Just... this feels like you're avoiding me. Aren't we friends?
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We are. [ He rises and takes a seat next to him. Dice's warmth radiates, and Gentaro fights the urge to pull him close or lean on him and hold him. ] I didn't want to presume anything, or make things uncomfortable for you. I'm certainly not avoiding you.
[ A pause. He hesitates. ]
I know that after a traumatic event, some people may not want another close.
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No. He shouldn't. But after all the nights he spent thinking of Gentaro's fingers in his hair, or Gentaro's hand in his... Ah. Well, maybe he deserved his wife's wrath after all. Political marriages weren't supposed to be fun. Yet he'd all but fled it when he met Gentaro.]
Truthfully, the only thing I want right now is to be by your side.
[It isn't the whole truth.]
I had to see you again before I died. I couldn't leave you... [A panicked moment.] ...I couldn't leave you not knowing what happened to me, I mean.
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First, it makes his heart and pulse race. Dice is an easy read, but Gentaro doesn't want to go spilling his feelings when he's wrestling with what's happened. Second, it makes him feel guilty, because Dice deserves better.
Gentaro is quiet for a few moments before he rests his hand over Dice's. In the end, he's a selfish creature, and he craves his touch so desperately. ]
Then, by my side you'll stay, as long as you wish.
[ He pauses. There's a bittersweetness in the way he'd wanted to see him, even after all of that. ]
... It's good you came to me. I wouldn't have turned you away for anything.
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The moment Gentaro touches him, though, the tea in Dice's hands nearly falls. He manages to keep it upright at the last second, before turning his hand to hold Gentaro's.]
And when I disappoint you, will you kill me, please?
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He stiffens, blood running cold. Gentaro can't even pretend to be calm, because he's so shocked at the request. His hand instinctively tights around Dice's. Kill him-- ]
No.
[ His voice is firm, and he locks eyes with Dice. Gentaro knows he's never looked at Dice like this. Try as he might to deny it, he's upset. ]
I refuse to humor such a foolish request. Even if you begged me, I would never raise a blade to you.
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Leaning in rather suddenly, he presses his lips to Gentaro's. It's nearly a miss, it's foolish and not thought through at all, but Dice stays there, lingering for a moment if Gentaro will let him.
When he pulls back, he looks back to the tea, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.]
Sorry. I know I'm stupid. You're just the only person I can't imagine ever disappointing. If you hated me, I wouldn't know what to do.
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Gentaro doesn't push him away, and he's just returning the kiss when he pulls back. He's about to say something, but the tears in his eyes alarm him. Dice has always felt so much, has always put his heart and soul into everything he does. Of course he would feel absolutely miserable. Everything had been ripped away from him.
He decides he hates seeing Dice so defeated. Gentaro takes a breath, then brings his hand up to Dice's cheek. Gently, he turns his face to look at him. So often, he overthinks things.
But not today. He leans in and kisses him. This time, it's a proper kiss, soft and chaste. He tastes the mint and honey on Dice's lips, and when Gentaro finally pulls away, he looks at him seriously. ]
You have no need to apologize for anything. As for disappointing me... we've known each other for some time, have we not? If you were to disappoint me, you would have already. [ A pause, and Gentaro decides to go for it, because being with Dice makes him feel just a little more reckless. Dice needs to know that someone loves him. ] How could I hate you when I love you so deeply?
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They met shortly after Dice's arranged marriage, when he'd just come of age and been placed on the throne. His mother had been regent for so long that he thought he wasn't actually going to be crowned, and he was fine with that. He was a gentle person with a love of adventure and finding new things to see. Gentaro had been welcome excitement after his disaster of a honeymoon.
Yet he'd tried to rule fairly and make good decisions, despite the queen's negativity and her always stopping just short of stabbing him in the back. He hardly let her coerce him, always tried to forge his own path, but as soon as an heir was produced, she stopped listening to Dice entirely.
And then she tried to kill him in his own bedroom.
And he ran.
He ran past the guards who were stationed to finish the job, through the angry mob he never suspected, from an assassin she hired when she realized he was still alive... Because as long as he was alive, she couldn't be in charge.
She never loved him, not for an instant. And, he realizes now, neither did his mother, who he's sure was complicit.
But Gentaro... he loves him. And he'll stay by his side.]
Please... promise me I can stay with you.
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He loves him so much it aches. It feels so surreal, his confession. Dice deserves much better, but maybe he can stop thinking that and simply let Dice love him, too.
He can't say no to that, when Dice asks him to let him stay. Gentaro's world is much harsher than his, but that's what he's here for. To protect him, to tend to his wounds. To show him the beauty of the world, too, all of that which has been kept away from him.
It's dangerous, but Dice knows this. And he wants to stay with Gentaro. ]
I promise. [ He touches his forehead to Dice's. ] Nothing will make me turn you away.
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He nods at first, because it's all he can do without sounding like an idiot from crying so hard. But when the tears let up and he stops desperately clinging to Gentaro's tunic, he pulls back and manages a watery smile.]
I love you. [Sniff.] I figured it out a few days before... before all of this. I had to see you again. I couldn't die without telling you. I... was trying to figure out how to tell the queen, but I suppose I don't need to now.
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His heart's racing, pounding in his chest, and he's struck by the urge to kiss him once more, so he does. It's still soft, gentle. He realizes he wants more, but he refrains, because Dice is an absolute mess, and he doesn't want to push him into anything. ]
Dice... [ He draws in a breath, then teases with a soft, affectionate smile-- ] Well... now you will see me every day. I hope you won't tire of me.
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Of course, every time he imagined something foolish like running away to join Gentaro, he knew he'd have to learn to be quicker on his feet, to fight and to hold his ground. But with someone like Gentaro at his back, he told himself, he could absolutely do anything.
That smile makes Dice smile in turn, and the soft, careful way he says his name, like it's something precious. Like he is something precious.]
I won't. I could never tire of you. [And Dice isn't the type to swear something so permanent so easily.] I'll do whatever I need to do to earn my keep and stay with you.
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He lets out a quiet laugh and slides a hand to cup the back of his neck. ]
Earn your keep? As kind as the offer is, I will have none of it. I want you for you, Dice, exactly as you are. You have nothing to owe me and nothing to prove to me.
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[He wants to look away, because he's at least present enough to be slightly embarrassed right now. But he doesn't. He looks right at Gentaro. This is the man he's spending the rest of his life with, and he hopes to all that's holy that it is a long life.]
I mean, not that I have much to offer. But I will learn. I'll be a valuable member of your...
[Wait, hold on, what's the nice name to call a band of thieves, anyway?]
Your retinue.
[Nailed it. The floundering makes Dice laugh slightly, at least, which bleeds off a little more of the tension he's been holding on to.]
I will, Gentaro. I won't be weak ever again. I have you, after all.
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[ Gentaro looks at him seriously, though. He knows that once those sorts of thoughts set in, it's painfully difficult to shake them. Gentaro hates that Dice thinks them now. ]
I did not save your life for you to owe me. [ His voice is soft, but firm, because he needs him to know and understand. ] As long as you are happy, safe--relatively--and by my side, that is more than enough.
[ He presses his lips to Dice's. This time, he can't help the bit of heat behind it, but he reels it in. ]
You are not weak. Far from it, in fact. It is tempting to believe so, after all you've been through, but you are not weak.
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He feels weak. He feels broken. The only part of him that doesn't feel irreparably damaged is the part that loves Gentaro. The part that's so devoted, he imagines he would have given up his crown anyway to be with the man.
The heat isn't missed, and Dice doesn't know what to do with it. He'd return it in abundant response, but he's never been kissed with passion in his life. It makes him feel exposed. But as Gentaro is the only person he trusts not to abuse that vulnerability, he so wishes he could give that heat back.
He touches his lips distractedly for a moment before replying.]
...I'll become stronger, though. I know I will. How could I not?
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He brushes Dice's hair out of his eyes, then presses a kiss between his brows. It's easy to keep things light and gentle, but that's how it is with him, isn't it? Being with Dice is as easy and natural as breathing. There's not a thing about him that Gentaro doesn't find beautiful. His strength, his determination, his heart...
His own squeezes, and he clutches him a bit tighter. ]
It won't be easy, [ Gentaro warns him. He figures Dice already knows. ] I will be the only one to teach you.
[ Because Gentaro is very likely the only person Dice trusts anymore. While he wants him to learn and grow stronger, he knows it's a delicate situation. Dice had nearly died, and that leaves invisible scars. ]
But remember this: You are not weak. You came here and survived. Strength is measured in just the physical sense, either. [ He rests a hand gently over Dice's heart. ] You have more than enough here.
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He still isn't sure he wants to, knowing he'll likely deal with the scars from this for a long time. For now, though, he's safe, and being cared for. And he's loved.]
I want to believe you. I want to.
[Dice closes his eyes, and lets a hand cover the one on his chest.]
I'll just have to work as hard as I can to feel worthy of those words.
[His mind is whirling, but he's still a little sluggish from sleep and recovery, so his brow furrows.]
Part of me wonders what I did wrong. Why things had to turn out the way they did. I had dreams while I was asleep, terrible ones... I'm scared they'll become all too real.
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[ He's showing a much softer, vulnerable side of himself. It makes Gentaro a little uncomfortable. He isn't used to this. Somehow, Dice had done the near-impossible: He makes Gentaro feel safe. And so... he's determined to do the same for Dice.
As he speaks, he holds him closer, running his fingers through his hair again and again. His heart aches for Dice; beneath that is the anger at those responsible. Gentaro knows how he feels, though. There are still times when his dreams feel too real and he wakes, pale and trembling.
He presses a kiss to the side of his head. ]
You did nothing wrong, Dice. You are not to blame for their cruelty. But... those dreams will haunt you for a long time. Eventually, you may learn how to handle them. Even if you do not, there is no shame in feeling that way. [ a pause. ] It is easier to manage when you have someone who loves you and will hold you through the fear. That is to say.... I will do all I can to comfort you, however and whenever you need me.
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He supposes he will, now. They'll see things together, go places, live loudly and he hopes triumphantly. Hope is a scarce thing for Dice at the moment, but every thread of it he's clinging to comes from Gentaro's reassurances and gentleness.
He presses his face against Gentaro's neck and tries and tries and tries not to cry more, not because he feels he has to harden himself against the world, but because he can hardly stand how gently he's being treated. It's overwhelming, wonderful... It makes him think there's more affection to be had, and he wants to greedily soak it all up. But he can't take advantage of Gentaro's kindness like that. It seems like a one way ticket to resentment.]
If... [He's hesitant.] If it isn't too much to ask, could I sleep somewhere near you, for now?
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He's so precious to Gentaro. He'll cherish him without restraint, be there for him, provide whatever he needs. It's the least he could do for him, but more than that, he wants to do these things.
With a quiet hum, Gentaro nods. ]
Of course you can. [ Then, gently teasingly-- ] That is what I intended, actually, from the moment you told me you loved me. I've already grown very fond of holding you.
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I'm grateful to know you.
[Backing away slightly and dabbing at his eyes with the cast-aside cloth from earlier, he lets Gentaro see that smile. It's a little haunted, but still as sweet as Dice himself.]
Thank you, Gentaro. I guess I'll look forward to being in your arms often.
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Gentaro is used to keeping everyone at arm's length--aside from Dice. Even this is very, very new, but he welcomes it. More importantly, there's very little that sets his heart racing.
That does it, though. Dice's smile is lovely and more than enough to make heat creep up the back of his neck. He shows a bit of that surprise, unable to hide it completely. It's clear that he has never had something like this. He's not unfamiliar with intimacy, but this... This easy, honest gratitude and affection...
Gentaro's expression softens from its surprise, and he closes his eyes to compose himself. This is comfortable; this is warm; this is something he hadn't realized he'd been searching for. ]
Mm. I'm grateful that we met, too.
[ He opens his eyes and
takes one of his hands. As he raises it to his lips, he presses a kiss to the back of it. ]
You will never be alone as long as we are together.
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That's all I can ask.
[He doesn't know he's making Gentaro's heart race as much as his own.]
...Do you want to show me around, then? Now that I'm not not allowed to come here?
[The fact that Dice found his way here is a miracle in itself.]
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