[ As much as he would like to pretend otherwise, he's completely attuned to Dice and everything he does. The guilt gnaws at him, intensifying until it nearly chokes him. That growl, the way he tugs at his hair... it feels like he's been pierced in the heart.
And it's his fault. Dice doesn't deserve this treatment, but Gentaro doesn't know what else to do. Well, he does, but it's too much. He considers telling him, but he can't bring himself to. Before he'd taken on his brother's identity, he had been in his shadow, but it had been fine. He'd been content to simply exist, to go his own way.
He's far too good of an actor, because even now, he's back in that shadow. Dice has fallen in love with someone who lays in a hospital bed, who doesn't respond even when he visits and breaks down because he can't do a damn thing to help his brother.
But it breaks his heart, seeing Dice in such a state. He watches him for a moment, then turns his gaze back to his writing. Gentaro shouldn't say it, because it really isn't, and he doesn't mind at all, but-- ]
Your apology is appreciated, as it's quite distracting when you're growling so loudly. Here I thought you would be gambling, wasting your time and money I'll have to spot you. Or have you finally found some common sense to put in that thick skull of yours?
[It's probably good that he's not looking at Dice right now, because that last line makes Dice visibly cringe and shrink back. His hands drop to his lap, where his restless thumbs worry at each other for almost half a minute.
Dammit, this sucks. It sucks, it hurts, it makes him feel useless and worthless. He doesn't need to care that much about life! It'd be so much easier to go back to the days of gambling his life, down to his last stitch of clothing.]
Sorry.
[He repeats the apology, but it sounds so pathetically hollow to even his own ears, and he realizes he needs to make a decision. Apologizing for existing isn't like Dice at all. So he makes the decision, and consequences may be well and truly damned.]
Look, you got, like, fifteen minutes or something? I'm not gonna ask for more, I just wanna get something off my chest.
[ ... This is bad, isn't it? Gentaro knows what Dice is going to tell him. It frustrates him, because Dice shouldn't waste his time loving a lie. But at the same time... he wants so, so badly to reveal his own feelings. Dice is such a bright, warm presence in his life. It's as if Gentaro's found his own personal sun.
He doesn't shine as brightly any more. And Gentaro knows it's his fault. How can Dice feel this way, when he's so cruel and distant?
Gentaro draws in a breath, then puts his writing aside and turns to Dice. He knows his gaze is nothing less than stone cold, and he crosses his arms as he watches him. ]
[He has Gentaro's attention. Now he has to launch into frantic decisions over what to do with that attention. Fifteen minutes is a real long time, isn't it? So he can take a second to sort himself out before he goes for broke.
He doesn't meet Gentaro's eyes for several seconds.]
He knows that he is, but shows no sign that he knows. Instead, he keeps gazing at Dice, doing his damned best--and succeeding--at looking unaffected. ]
Am I. [ Even his voice is cold, and Gentaro hates himself a little more. ] What made you draw this conclusion, Dice? I would love to hear your reasons.
[Dice doesn't even spit that out, so much as he states it like it's common knowledge, like even he has accepted it.]
Man, I know I deserve it, but you're cold as hell.
[His voice seems to shrink as does his posture. No matter how angry-sounding his initial words were, he's not mad right now. He's resigned. In pain. Hopeless.]
Anyway, I'm just sayin' I'm sorry. For real, I mean it! You wouldn't hate me this much if I hadn't gotten all weird and creepy, right? That's how you think I am, right? Weird? Annoying? Acting stupid because I'm in love with you.
[A sigh. Dice deflates a bit more.]
I learned my fuckin' lesson, so you can quit it. I'll stay with Ramuda. I'll even quit Fling Posse if it'll make you stop actin' like this. You oughta be happy. Sorry I'm... [He almost chokes on his words.] Sorry I'm not the guy that makes you feel that way, 'cause you deserve it.
[ Something flickers in his gaze, something even Gentaro can't stop. For a brief moment or two, he looks close to devastated. He'd intended to keep the lie going, to push Dice away, but--
Now that it's staring him in his lying face, Gentaro can't bear to even look at him. He looks away, arms tightening around himself. Dice's declaration of love breaks his heart, and Gentaro draws in a sharp, trembling breath. He should keep pushing him away for Dice's own good. He doesn't try to fool himself; it's not easy to hurt him so thoroughly. ]
No. You're the one who deserves better.
[ He wants so badly to tell Dice how he feels. ]
You shouldn't feel this way about me, Dice. I'm not--
[ The words stick in his throat. I'm not worth your time and love. ]
[He may be, as Gentaro says, an idiot, but it's impossible to miss the change in demeanor and posture. Now Dice feels like he's the one who's really said something hurtful, and he grips his knees in distress.]
I don't... What the hell do you mean I "deserve better"? Better than what?
[He goes still, silent for a beat.]
You're not what? It's not like I fell in love with you on purpose. That kinda stuff's never happened to me before. You're the first.
[ Dice says again that he's in love with him, and it nearly breaks him completely. He's always been the one Gentaro felt he could be at ease with. Maybe it was inevitable, this thing they've both realized. Dice is so very easy to love, after all.
Finally, he looks at Dice, hesitant and wary. Suddenly, he feels off-balance; he's holding something precious and fragile in his hands, and he's terrified of breaking it. ]
You deserve better than a liar. You deserve someone who is worth your time and love, someone who will treat you with all the care in the world.
[ And Gentaro knows that's not him. He's hurt Dice terribly, and even if he regrets it, it's entirely his own fault. ]
[Dice watches him for a few moments, then gets up and crosses over to him. Was he off base with all of this? Why is Gentaro acting so hurt right now?]
Can you quit lyin' for like... I dunno how many minutes I got left on the timer, but can you quit for just a minute?
[He settles his hands on Gentaro's shoulders and squeezes firmly.]
Even if that ain't you, you sound like maybe I'm missin' something here. I'm not walkin' out of here thinkin' I'm gonna find somebody else in this world who I love like this, you know? So if you're lyin' about hating me and thinkin' I'm annoying and I oughta leave, can you maybe... I dunno, not? For just a minute?
[And then he kneels in front of him, like a knight to his sovereign.]
This hurts, you know? Maybe if I knew the truth it'd hurt less.
[ The weight of everything presses down on him. Gentaro bows his head and draws in a sharp breath when he feels Dice's hands on his shoulders. He's warm and steady, and dangerously, he considers--
He considers telling him. It's hard to not want to, when Dice is so honest with him. He lifts his head slightly to look at him, searching his face, and finding nothing but how much he loves him. ]
... Let's get rid of that timer, shall we?
[ This close, Gentaro can't help but soften his tone. He hesitates once more. ]
I don't hate you or think you're annoying. Far from it. And I certainly don't want you to leave. [ A pause. ] I'm truly sorry. Despite my own feelings, I thought that if I pushed you away, it would be better for you.
[ He hesitates once more. ]
I have been lying to you every day, since the moment we met.
Well that's not fuckin' news. That's your whole thing.
[He's just so relieved that Gentaro doesn't hate him, while simultaneously being spun all the way around by the revelation that he doesn't want him to utterly just get the hell out.]
Gentaro still looks unsure, because Dice doesn't realize the extent of his lies and how deeply it goes. Dice says he won't leave, but this is something he thinks even the most patient, adoring person would condemn.
But, fool that he is, he makes a decision. ]
... I am not the real Gentaro Yumeno. That name belongs to my brother, who currently rests in a hospital, unable to wake.
[Maybe Dice is a little surprised, but only a little. After all, Gentaro said from moment one that he was a liar. He'd be a shitty friend and a poorer potential lover if he didn't accept something as outrageous as this as the truth.]
No shit... [He frowns.] I'm sorry. Knowin' he's like that's gotta hurt you a lot.
He can't hide how utterly stunned he is. So easily-- Gentaro truly feels like a fool. He swallows hard, then places a hand over one of Dice's. His hand is warm, and Gentaro aches to touch and be touched even more. ]
... It does. [ He pauses, studying Dice's face. ] You're truly accepting this so easily?
[He's set so at ease by Gentaro's touch that he almost loses his balance where he's kneeling.]
The guy I know, whatever his name is today, yesterday, or tomorrow, is my favorite person in the whole damn world. Doesn't matter much beyond that, to me.
[ And this-- this is one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with Dice. Gentaro isn't quite sure how to handle this; so often, he's used to rejection. It had seemed like such an impossibility to find someone who loved him for him, even with all the rough edges and lies.
He closes his eyes and lets out a breath, then leans forward so he can touch their foreheads together.
Even in this cruel world, Dice barrels forward with determination and love. He doesn't do anything in half-measures. Gentaro, as exasperated as that makes him, admires Dice. He doesn't doubt that he has shackles of his own, in some way, but he moves forward despite them. It's such a contrast, but there's something that he can do without restraint.
Gentaro loves him with all of his heart. It's easy, as natural as breathing, and he thinks that maybe Dice might fit into the cracks in his heart. ]
You truly are incredible. [ He moves a hand to Dice's cheek. He's already apologized, but-- ] I'm sorry for making you so miserable, for hurting you so terribly. And if you're so intent on staying with me, I will do everything I can to make amends.
[ Because Dice deserves the world; he deserves to be happy, to love fearlessly and be loved just as deeply. So-- ]
[He lets his smile grow beyond strained, into something softer and real.
He's been waiting to hear those words, somehow, even if he thought it'd never happen. It doesn't seem right or fair for them to be like they've been, and knowing that so much of that is also a lie is a relief.
Their foreheads rest together, and Dice feels like he might collapse into a relieved heap, but he stays upright and beams.]
You mean that, right? I'm not gonna let you go if you mean it.
[ Gently, he brushes his thumb along his cheek, his expression all at once relieved and vulnerable. His other hand moves to Dice's cheek. As Gentaro cradles his face, he lets out a quiet hum. ]
Then don't let me go, [ he murmurs, heart pounding. ] I mean it, of course. When I think of the future, I want you to be by my side.
[That touch is gentle enough to break Dice, but he just closes his eyes for a moment and lets Gentaro's words sink in. This isn't some joke. They've been through some shit together, and he's sure that if they start walking together, they're not going to stop.
It seems ridiculous that he even believed for a moment that Gentaro didn't want him around. He wrote songs for him. They've slept in the same room how many times? Maybe they can laugh about it later.]
Yeah. Same. I don't want anybody else. I want you, and I want us to be a thing.
[Even Dice knows that sounds kind of stupid, so he bites at his lip for a moment as if trying to decide what to do. Then, tipping his chin, he presses his lips briefly to Gentaro's.]
[He can feel that Gentaro is relaxing, that he's happy. It's all he wants in the world. Every last ache from before, when he thought Gentaro wanted him out of his life, is gone, almost forgotten.
He just wants to remember this forever, to tattoo the feeling of acceptance and affection on his very soul.
But there is one thing he needs to address.]
When you feel like you can tell me about your brother and everything, I'm gonna be here to listen. No rush. Just... gettin' it out there.
[He won't force something out of Gentaro, especially not something painful enough that it caused the man to push away his own happiness.]
And if you wanna know my deal, I'll tell you right now, even. It's not like it changes who I am, same as all you've got goin' doesn't change who you are, you know? You're still you, even if you're wearin' somebody else's stuff for a while.
[Dice leans into that kiss just a little, eyes closed, heart full. The way his eyelids flutter open after is probably more attractive than he realizes.
As is, potentially, the way his cheeks go a little pink at the suggestion of them sharing a bed. Hell, they've done it before in a pinch, but this is different. This is like Gentaro asking him to move in or something... Not that he doesn't practically live here already........]
Aren't you workin' on somethin' right now? 'Cause if we move, you're gonna be occupied for a while...
[ It's absolutely unfair how charming and beautiful Dice is. Gentaro hums and kisses him again, this time a little deeper. ]
You overestimate my ability to focus on work after that.
[ Gentaro is only human, and spending the day with him is too tempting to ignore. They've shared the bed together, yes, but strictly in a platonic sense. Nevermind that sometimes, Gentaro had awoken snuggled up next to him, and had been grateful for the fact that he's such an early riser.
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And it's his fault. Dice doesn't deserve this treatment, but Gentaro doesn't know what else to do. Well, he does, but it's too much. He considers telling him, but he can't bring himself to. Before he'd taken on his brother's identity, he had been in his shadow, but it had been fine. He'd been content to simply exist, to go his own way.
He's far too good of an actor, because even now, he's back in that shadow. Dice has fallen in love with someone who lays in a hospital bed, who doesn't respond even when he visits and breaks down because he can't do a damn thing to help his brother.
But it breaks his heart, seeing Dice in such a state. He watches him for a moment, then turns his gaze back to his writing. Gentaro shouldn't say it, because it really isn't, and he doesn't mind at all, but-- ]
Your apology is appreciated, as it's quite distracting when you're growling so loudly. Here I thought you would be gambling, wasting your time and money I'll have to spot you. Or have you finally found some common sense to put in that thick skull of yours?
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Dammit, this sucks. It sucks, it hurts, it makes him feel useless and worthless. He doesn't need to care that much about life! It'd be so much easier to go back to the days of gambling his life, down to his last stitch of clothing.]
Sorry.
[He repeats the apology, but it sounds so pathetically hollow to even his own ears, and he realizes he needs to make a decision. Apologizing for existing isn't like Dice at all. So he makes the decision, and consequences may be well and truly damned.]
Look, you got, like, fifteen minutes or something? I'm not gonna ask for more, I just wanna get something off my chest.
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He doesn't shine as brightly any more. And Gentaro knows it's his fault. How can Dice feel this way, when he's so cruel and distant?
Gentaro draws in a breath, then puts his writing aside and turns to Dice. He knows his gaze is nothing less than stone cold, and he crosses his arms as he watches him. ]
Very well. I suppose I can hear you out.
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He doesn't meet Gentaro's eyes for several seconds.]
Right. I'm only going to say this once.
[And that's when he finally makes eye contact.]
You're a fuckin' asshole.
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He knows that he is, but shows no sign that he knows. Instead, he keeps gazing at Dice, doing his damned best--and succeeding--at looking unaffected. ]
Am I. [ Even his voice is cold, and Gentaro hates himself a little more. ] What made you draw this conclusion, Dice? I would love to hear your reasons.
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[Dice doesn't even spit that out, so much as he states it like it's common knowledge, like even he has accepted it.]
Man, I know I deserve it, but you're cold as hell.
[His voice seems to shrink as does his posture. No matter how angry-sounding his initial words were, he's not mad right now. He's resigned. In pain. Hopeless.]
Anyway, I'm just sayin' I'm sorry. For real, I mean it! You wouldn't hate me this much if I hadn't gotten all weird and creepy, right? That's how you think I am, right? Weird? Annoying? Acting stupid because I'm in love with you.
[A sigh. Dice deflates a bit more.]
I learned my fuckin' lesson, so you can quit it. I'll stay with Ramuda. I'll even quit Fling Posse if it'll make you stop actin' like this. You oughta be happy. Sorry I'm... [He almost chokes on his words.] Sorry I'm not the guy that makes you feel that way, 'cause you deserve it.
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Now that it's staring him in his lying face, Gentaro can't bear to even look at him. He looks away, arms tightening around himself. Dice's declaration of love breaks his heart, and Gentaro draws in a sharp, trembling breath. He should keep pushing him away for Dice's own good. He doesn't try to fool himself; it's not easy to hurt him so thoroughly. ]
No. You're the one who deserves better.
[ He wants so badly to tell Dice how he feels. ]
You shouldn't feel this way about me, Dice. I'm not--
[ The words stick in his throat. I'm not worth your time and love. ]
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I don't... What the hell do you mean I "deserve better"? Better than what?
[He goes still, silent for a beat.]
You're not what? It's not like I fell in love with you on purpose. That kinda stuff's never happened to me before. You're the first.
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Finally, he looks at Dice, hesitant and wary. Suddenly, he feels off-balance; he's holding something precious and fragile in his hands, and he's terrified of breaking it. ]
You deserve better than a liar. You deserve someone who is worth your time and love, someone who will treat you with all the care in the world.
[ And Gentaro knows that's not him. He's hurt Dice terribly, and even if he regrets it, it's entirely his own fault. ]
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[Dice watches him for a few moments, then gets up and crosses over to him. Was he off base with all of this? Why is Gentaro acting so hurt right now?]
Can you quit lyin' for like... I dunno how many minutes I got left on the timer, but can you quit for just a minute?
[He settles his hands on Gentaro's shoulders and squeezes firmly.]
Even if that ain't you, you sound like maybe I'm missin' something here. I'm not walkin' out of here thinkin' I'm gonna find somebody else in this world who I love like this, you know? So if you're lyin' about hating me and thinkin' I'm annoying and I oughta leave, can you maybe... I dunno, not? For just a minute?
[And then he kneels in front of him, like a knight to his sovereign.]
This hurts, you know? Maybe if I knew the truth it'd hurt less.
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He considers telling him. It's hard to not want to, when Dice is so honest with him. He lifts his head slightly to look at him, searching his face, and finding nothing but how much he loves him. ]
... Let's get rid of that timer, shall we?
[ This close, Gentaro can't help but soften his tone. He hesitates once more. ]
I don't hate you or think you're annoying. Far from it. And I certainly don't want you to leave. [ A pause. ] I'm truly sorry. Despite my own feelings, I thought that if I pushed you away, it would be better for you.
[ He hesitates once more. ]
I have been lying to you every day, since the moment we met.
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Well that's not fuckin' news. That's your whole thing.
[He's just so relieved that Gentaro doesn't hate him, while simultaneously being spun all the way around by the revelation that he doesn't want him to utterly just get the hell out.]
Lay it on me. Gimme the truth. I won't leave.
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Gentaro still looks unsure, because Dice doesn't realize the extent of his lies and how deeply it goes. Dice says he won't leave, but this is something he thinks even the most patient, adoring person would condemn.
But, fool that he is, he makes a decision. ]
... I am not the real Gentaro Yumeno. That name belongs to my brother, who currently rests in a hospital, unable to wake.
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No shit... [He frowns.] I'm sorry. Knowin' he's like that's gotta hurt you a lot.
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He can't hide how utterly stunned he is. So easily-- Gentaro truly feels like a fool. He swallows hard, then places a hand over one of Dice's. His hand is warm, and Gentaro aches to touch and be touched even more. ]
... It does. [ He pauses, studying Dice's face. ] You're truly accepting this so easily?
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You act like I'm not hidin' shit, too. Come on.
[He's set so at ease by Gentaro's touch that he almost loses his balance where he's kneeling.]
The guy I know, whatever his name is today, yesterday, or tomorrow, is my favorite person in the whole damn world. Doesn't matter much beyond that, to me.
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He closes his eyes and lets out a breath, then leans forward so he can touch their foreheads together.
Even in this cruel world, Dice barrels forward with determination and love. He doesn't do anything in half-measures. Gentaro, as exasperated as that makes him, admires Dice. He doesn't doubt that he has shackles of his own, in some way, but he moves forward despite them. It's such a contrast, but there's something that he can do without restraint.
Gentaro loves him with all of his heart. It's easy, as natural as breathing, and he thinks that maybe Dice might fit into the cracks in his heart. ]
You truly are incredible. [ He moves a hand to Dice's cheek. He's already apologized, but-- ] I'm sorry for making you so miserable, for hurting you so terribly. And if you're so intent on staying with me, I will do everything I can to make amends.
[ Because Dice deserves the world; he deserves to be happy, to love fearlessly and be loved just as deeply. So-- ]
I love you, Dice.
[ How wonderful it is to finally say it. ]
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He's been waiting to hear those words, somehow, even if he thought it'd never happen. It doesn't seem right or fair for them to be like they've been, and knowing that so much of that is also a lie is a relief.
Their foreheads rest together, and Dice feels like he might collapse into a relieved heap, but he stays upright and beams.]
You mean that, right? I'm not gonna let you go if you mean it.
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Then don't let me go, [ he murmurs, heart pounding. ] I mean it, of course. When I think of the future, I want you to be by my side.
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It seems ridiculous that he even believed for a moment that Gentaro didn't want him around. He wrote songs for him. They've slept in the same room how many times? Maybe they can laugh about it later.]
Yeah. Same. I don't want anybody else. I want you, and I want us to be a thing.
[Even Dice knows that sounds kind of stupid, so he bites at his lip for a moment as if trying to decide what to do. Then, tipping his chin, he presses his lips briefly to Gentaro's.]
I love you. I'm never letting you go.
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And the kiss--it sparks something inside him. He returns it easily, and for the first time in a very long time, he's indescribably happy. ]
You're in luck, then. [ He brushes the hair out of Dice's eyes, then leans forward and presses a kiss to his forehead. ] I want the same for us.
[ He smiles, then presses his lips to Dice's once more. ]
I don't want to spend a single day without seeing your smile.
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He just wants to remember this forever, to tattoo the feeling of acceptance and affection on his very soul.
But there is one thing he needs to address.]
When you feel like you can tell me about your brother and everything, I'm gonna be here to listen. No rush. Just... gettin' it out there.
[He won't force something out of Gentaro, especially not something painful enough that it caused the man to push away his own happiness.]
And if you wanna know my deal, I'll tell you right now, even. It's not like it changes who I am, same as all you've got goin' doesn't change who you are, you know? You're still you, even if you're wearin' somebody else's stuff for a while.
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He lets out a quiet, breathless little laugh before he kisses him again. ]
Thank you, Dice. [ he pauses. ] I would be glad to listen, if you're ready to tell me. First, however... let's take up a more comfortable spot.
[ And his expression shifts to mischief and teasing. ]
Would you like to move to the couch, or our bed?
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As is, potentially, the way his cheeks go a little pink at the suggestion of them sharing a bed. Hell, they've done it before in a pinch, but this is different. This is like Gentaro asking him to move in or something... Not that he doesn't practically live here already........]
Aren't you workin' on somethin' right now? 'Cause if we move, you're gonna be occupied for a while...
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You overestimate my ability to focus on work after that.
[ Gentaro is only human, and spending the day with him is too tempting to ignore. They've shared the bed together, yes, but strictly in a platonic sense. Nevermind that sometimes, Gentaro had awoken snuggled up next to him, and had been grateful for the fact that he's such an early riser.
He stands, gently tugging Dice up to his feet. ]
To the bed, then?
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