soulager | SLUTTY GENDICE POST FOR SLUTTY GENDICES

You ought to know, Mr. Author.

I'll see you soon. My car this time. I feel like driving myself.

[He'll get up and get out of his uniform, putting on casual enough clothes that still look expensive. He takes his time doing his hair, sweeping his bangs back, then picks out some glasses to wear. It's funny... he never thought as much about accessorizing before he started going places with Gentaro.

Lastly, he clips a chain of gold and red beads into his hair. The he heads out.

He arrives precisely on time, painfully punctual.]

[ Gentaro's already making his way to meet him. He knocks on the window, as if Dice can't see he's there. ]

Well, well. I'm afraid you're thirty seconds over the hour.

[He watched him walk up to the car, but this is their game. He pretends it's a surprise to hear the knock, and rolls the window down.]

Well, you can come up with some kind of thirty second-worthy punishment for me later. Get in.

I certainly will.

[ He gets in and clicks his seatbelt in place. ]

Let's be on our way, then.

[Dice has to remember he's not supposed to be warm and playful with this guy, but... Well, today he just doesn't care as much as usual.]

How's your day?

[ It's definitely strange, but... Gentaro can't help but feel the same as Dice. It's becoming much, much harder to keep his distance, and it's frustrating. ]

Mm, much of the usual. Writing, writing, more writing... [ He glances sideways at him. ] And yours?

[Dice sighs, like he's glad to be letting it all out.]

...Busy! I hate my job, still. But I do what I'm told so they pay me and don't throw me out. Same as always.

It seems we're both plagued with boredom.

[ He doesn't know when he become so invested in Dice's daily life. He shouldn't. Even he can't deny that he very, very much is. ]

If only we could escape it, hm?

Mm, yeah... Not gonna happen, but I can dream about it when--

[Fuck.

No.

He cannot say that in any way.]

When I'm not at work. So I guess you gotta hear me complain while I dream.

[Nailed it.

Wait.

Fuck.]

[ Oh no.

Gentaro hums. For a moment or several, it seems like he's not going to comment. ]

I see. Is that why I'm so tired when I wake up?

[Dice does a double take that almost makes him miss a stop sign, then bursts out laughing.]

Look, I said that wrong, okay? I don't need you to exercise your pickup lines on me. Save it for the other guys at the party.

[ He... hasn't heard Dice laugh like that, ever. He's caught off-guard, but he recovers well and gives a quiet laugh of his own. ]

I can assure you that I will absolutely not be interested in any of them. [ Despite his laugh a few moments ago, there is a sharp edge to his voice. ] You're the only reason I'm going.

[Dice realizes he shouldn't have his guard down like this, but Gentaro's little laugh makes him feel... something. It's hard to believe that he's dangerous.]

Sorry, I shouldn't assume stuff. You like the ladies, right? Or you're... not interested in anybody like that? What's that called? Something-sexual...

Gender doesn't matter to me.

[ He's very much attracted to certain people. Gentaro shifts his attention to look out the window. ]

It isn't their gender that puts me off. It's the company they keep.

[Well, that's... pointed. And Dice knows what company he keeps, so that hurts. He knows he shouldn't care at all, but...

Well.

Never mind that. It's just the proof he needs that his excitement is ill-advised and never going to get him anywhere.

He straightens in his seat and clears his throat.]

Uh. Yeah. Sorry... I keep making you go to stuff like this and you hate it, right?

[ It's a terrible realization: Gentaro feels guilty for his harshness. Somehow, Dice has become an exception. There's a few moments of silence before he looks at Dice. ]

Well, it's not pleasant. [ He shrugs. ] The money is a good incentive, however.

[ Yeah, the money he doesn't really spend. ]

[Right. The money. Dice had a feeling it might be like that.]

...Yeah. I guess it does pay pretty well, for... what, blackmail?

[He shouldn't have said that and he knows it. He's ruining the mood.]

Look, if it was my choice, I wouldn't make you do all the state bullshit. It's absolutely not my call, though.

Yes, the blackmail.

[ That annoyed edge is back, especially because Dice has confirmed what he's suspected: Dice is, perhaps, just as much at the whims of the Party as he is. ]

Mm. I wondered about that. You don't seem too fond of going to those events either.

I hate them.

[He says it conversationally, like it's not a surprise at all. Gentaro didn't seem to hesitate when he asserted it.]

I hate...

[He could get in so much trouble for saying this, but he's relatively sure his car isn't bugged. Gentaro has always behaved and so has Dice. Dice never steps a single toe out of line, other than his one precious, secret midday smoke break.]

I'm not going to lie. I've hated my mom half of my life, but that's... not really important to you, I guess. If you want to sum it up: yes, I hate putting on a uniform and parading around like some good dog they've trained up to be their model male. It sucks, actually.

[ Ah.

The admission is a dangerous thing. To say it to him, who's been marked by the Party as someone dangerous, is a monumental thing. He's stunned, really. There's more to Dice than the surface -- he's figured that out, but this is another layer.

Gentaro's quiet for a few moments. ]

Thank you for confiding in me. [ It's almost too vulnerable. Careful. But he means it. It paints an entirely new picture and more than that, Gentaro... feels himself softening. ] Truthfully, it sets me more at ease to know that this wasn't your idea. Sometimes, it seems like who you are is at odds with our.... situation.

Tch.

[Dice hears him and hates that he's right, of course. He grips the steering wheel, then looks at the clock. They have time. He'd had ideas, but this conversation just might need to happen now, or it may never happen again.

Instead of turning toward the shops area, he takes a left, toward the a park.]

Look. I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me, so don't. If anybody's feeling sorry for anybody here, it's me. You want all this to stop, and I can't blame you. You have dirt on my mother only I know, and probably more than that. I know she put you in the hospital once, and I don't...

[He parks the car abruptly in a parking space.]

Look, I don't think it was right. I think the people ought to know the truth. Then they can make up their own minds if they want to keep supporting the Party or not.

Please. No one can get me to feel anything.

[ He watches him. Honestly, it might be good to talk about this, even as viscerally uncomfortable as it is. Gentaro hates to admit it, but they have a connection. Knowing someone else feels the same as he does, someone on the inside who's just as angry...

It's really messing with his head. ]

Yes. That's why I can't give up. Keeping so many people in the dark will do nothing but create more problems and hurt more people. [ He lets out a breath. ] Having so many eyes on me is frustrating, but it can't be helped.

I wish I could believe that they'd let up, but I'm not a fool. I simply have to be much more careful.

[Dice isn't quite to the point of being able to admit that he would help Gentaro if he could. Part of him is still his mother's lapdog. He hates being that way, but fear rather than loyalty was instilled in him when he was brought back into her home before his "employment" by the Party. He's their gorgeous poster boy, well-behaved, dignified, never lays a hand on a woman... He's obedient and visible, which is what they need.

He's a very good actor.]

I'm sorry it's like this. I guess... Thinking about it, at least it's me they have on you and not one of their high-ranked officials. Most of them are monsters. I hope I'm... at least not the worst company.

[He's quiet for a moment. At first he was paying him as hush money, but now he's paying him to soothe his own conscience. What the fuck is integrity?]

[ His eyes are still on Dice. Hearing him say all of this feels like a fever dream. He really is a good actor: Gentaro had been fooled, and while he should feel more angry, it's a mix of emotions he feels.

One of those is relief. He's not sure how to process that. He's not sure how to process his last comment, either. At the same time, for once, he... wants to be honest. ]

You're far from the worst company. [ ... ] That you've told me all of this means something, Dice. I... appreciate it.

[He lowers his head for a moment, knowing he'd be ousted and strung up, or worse, a victim of one of the Party's MCs if this were to even be whispered anywhere. It's heavy. It's slightly terrifying, but it's so freeing to be able to say it to the one other man that's been allowed in his life.]

Don't mention it. I'm... I don't know why I thought I should say it, honestly. Just know I don't hate you, I'm not doing all of this to just make fun of you or anything. I actually...

[Can he even admit that he likes Gentaro's company? That the sparse texts and infrequent occasions to meet are the highlights of his life? His pride won't allow that. He has to pivot wildly.]

Well, I guess what I mean to say is that if you ever get out of this, I won't come looking for you on their behalf. I'm not going that far. If you can get out of the country or something, do it.

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