[ That annoyed edge is back, especially because Dice has confirmed what he's suspected: Dice is, perhaps, just as much at the whims of the Party as he is. ]
Mm. I wondered about that. You don't seem too fond of going to those events either.
[He says it conversationally, like it's not a surprise at all. Gentaro didn't seem to hesitate when he asserted it.]
I hate...
[He could get in so much trouble for saying this, but he's relatively sure his car isn't bugged. Gentaro has always behaved and so has Dice. Dice never steps a single toe out of line, other than his one precious, secret midday smoke break.]
I'm not going to lie. I've hated my mom half of my life, but that's... not really important to you, I guess. If you want to sum it up: yes, I hate putting on a uniform and parading around like some good dog they've trained up to be their model male. It sucks, actually.
The admission is a dangerous thing. To say it to him, who's been marked by the Party as someone dangerous, is a monumental thing. He's stunned, really. There's more to Dice than the surface -- he's figured that out, but this is another layer.
Gentaro's quiet for a few moments. ]
Thank you for confiding in me. [ It's almost too vulnerable. Careful. But he means it. It paints an entirely new picture and more than that, Gentaro... feels himself softening. ] Truthfully, it sets me more at ease to know that this wasn't your idea. Sometimes, it seems like who you are is at odds with our.... situation.
[Dice hears him and hates that he's right, of course. He grips the steering wheel, then looks at the clock. They have time. He'd had ideas, but this conversation just might need to happen now, or it may never happen again.
Instead of turning toward the shops area, he takes a left, toward the a park.]
Look. I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me, so don't. If anybody's feeling sorry for anybody here, it's me. You want all this to stop, and I can't blame you. You have dirt on my mother only I know, and probably more than that. I know she put you in the hospital once, and I don't...
[He parks the car abruptly in a parking space.]
Look, I don't think it was right. I think the people ought to know the truth. Then they can make up their own minds if they want to keep supporting the Party or not.
[ He watches him. Honestly, it might be good to talk about this, even as viscerally uncomfortable as it is. Gentaro hates to admit it, but they have a connection. Knowing someone else feels the same as he does, someone on the inside who's just as angry...
It's really messing with his head. ]
Yes. That's why I can't give up. Keeping so many people in the dark will do nothing but create more problems and hurt more people. [ He lets out a breath. ] Having so many eyes on me is frustrating, but it can't be helped.
I wish I could believe that they'd let up, but I'm not a fool. I simply have to be much more careful.
[Dice isn't quite to the point of being able to admit that he would help Gentaro if he could. Part of him is still his mother's lapdog. He hates being that way, but fear rather than loyalty was instilled in him when he was brought back into her home before his "employment" by the Party. He's their gorgeous poster boy, well-behaved, dignified, never lays a hand on a woman... He's obedient and visible, which is what they need.
He's a very good actor.]
I'm sorry it's like this. I guess... Thinking about it, at least it's me they have on you and not one of their high-ranked officials. Most of them are monsters. I hope I'm... at least not the worst company.
[He's quiet for a moment. At first he was paying him as hush money, but now he's paying him to soothe his own conscience. What the fuck is integrity?]
[ His eyes are still on Dice. Hearing him say all of this feels like a fever dream. He really is a good actor: Gentaro had been fooled, and while he should feel more angry, it's a mix of emotions he feels.
One of those is relief. He's not sure how to process that. He's not sure how to process his last comment, either. At the same time, for once, he... wants to be honest. ]
You're far from the worst company. [ ... ] That you've told me all of this means something, Dice. I... appreciate it.
[He lowers his head for a moment, knowing he'd be ousted and strung up, or worse, a victim of one of the Party's MCs if this were to even be whispered anywhere. It's heavy. It's slightly terrifying, but it's so freeing to be able to say it to the one other man that's been allowed in his life.]
Don't mention it. I'm... I don't know why I thought I should say it, honestly. Just know I don't hate you, I'm not doing all of this to just make fun of you or anything. I actually...
[Can he even admit that he likes Gentaro's company? That the sparse texts and infrequent occasions to meet are the highlights of his life? His pride won't allow that. He has to pivot wildly.]
Well, I guess what I mean to say is that if you ever get out of this, I won't come looking for you on their behalf. I'm not going that far. If you can get out of the country or something, do it.
[ What is it that's making him want to reach out and touch him? He holds back and folds his hands in his lap. So Dice doesn't hate him. He feels the same way. Baffling that they're more alike than Gentaro had realized. ]
And I don't hate you.
[ It should be suffocating in this car, the air thick with discomfort and tension. As he watches Dice, it feels nothing like that. They're just... two people who've been dealt a shitty hand. ]
I'm afraid I can't leave. I have my reasons, but it's not an option at this point. ... If the time comes, though, I'll keep that in mind.
[Dice understands being hated by association. It's why he doesn't have any friends. He's come to live with it, to deal with the isolation in his own way, with gambling and other vices. As long as he upholds whatever arbitrary virtues are placed on him, no one cares.]
Uh, so. Today... I was going to take you to a couple of places to see what you wanted to wear. The dress code is black tie, but some people are wearing traditional clothing. I thought I'd show you a formal kimono shop I heard about a while back. It... [Oh god, he feels so small and stupid saying this, and his face must absolutely be red.] ...sounded like something you'd like, so I thought I'd... you know. Let you pick. There's a suit shop next door, if you want that.
[ He bites his tongue until Dice stops talking. And what he says is... If they hadn't spilled everything, Gentaro wouldn't believe it. He still can't completely believe it, but that's not Dice's fault. It's so considerate.
Dice is definitely red, but Gentaro's flustered, too. He clears his throat. ]
... I would be much more comfortable in traditional clothing. [ Oh, this is so awkward. He would rather sink into the earth. ] ... Thank you. For giving me that choice.
[ He hopes Dice understands what that means. He thinks he might. ]
[Dice does not, in fact, understand a damn thing. But he's glad he gave him the choice.]
I mean, I don't think you look bad in a suit, but that kind of thing suits you best, right? It just looks right on you. Hope you find something you like. They had some plum...
[Oh god, he just nearly said something would look good on Gentaro. Not "not bad", actually good. He might die.]
Eh. Anyway, that's where we're headed. That's kind of... why I was excited. Thought it might be neat to see you pick something out.
[ There's no way those are compliments, right? Because if they are, he has no idea how to react. Aside from feeling warmer, anyway. Gentaro looks a little bewildered, but he reels it in.
Not quickly enough, though. It's just different, seeing this side of Dice. There were hints of it, but this is something else. He's so considerate to think of Gentaro's comfort, what he likes... ]
I'm sure I will. [ He smiles, but it's not one of those soft ones: It's playful, teasing. ] If I dislike everything there, I'll have to charge you half a million yen.
[He grumbles slightly at falling prey to that one, but he had no real reason to disbelieve him. It's funny, but this feels... nice? Good? Like maybe he has a--]
Okay. I know I'm going to sound like a little kid asking this, but whatever. Do you want to... I mean, if it's okay with you, do you want to see if we can be actually cool? Like... friends?
[ He's surprised. Dice keeps catching him off-guard, and it's uncomfortable, but... It's also not? He doesn't feel threatened, at least. Carefully, he says, ]
[Dice doesn't want to admit that his heart just leapt into his throat at that smile... and now he has to live with the consequences of the boyish grin he just flashed in return.]
Great. So we start with you feeling like you can be yourself a little bit, yeah? With the nice outfit. [He chances a little laugh, far less restrained than usual.] ...Man, I feel like I'm toeing the line between buying you a gift and bribing you, but we can work on that too.
[ His grin and laugh... he's realizing just how cute Dice is. The worst time to realize that in such close quarters.
He tries not to focus too much on feeling like you can be yourself a little bit. How does he tell him that he's starting to lose a little bit of himself with each day? He won't, because that's too personal and vulnerable.
Admitting it would make it more real. ]
Ah, dear Dice, how generous of you... [ He gives him a teasing smile. ] Spoiling me? You must want to impress me, I see.
[ Why does he have to be so earnest? It's like Dice has been put on this earth to curse him, because he's completely Gentaro's type. Frustrating, absolutely. Gentaro knows that he's just a blip in Dice's life, and once the Party's decided he's no longer of use, he'll be nothing but a memory.
He lets out a sigh. ]
... I appreciate it. You don't have to do all of this, you know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Yeah. I guess it does pay pretty well, for... what, blackmail?
[He shouldn't have said that and he knows it. He's ruining the mood.]
Look, if it was my choice, I wouldn't make you do all the state bullshit. It's absolutely not my call, though.
no subject
[ That annoyed edge is back, especially because Dice has confirmed what he's suspected: Dice is, perhaps, just as much at the whims of the Party as he is. ]
Mm. I wondered about that. You don't seem too fond of going to those events either.
no subject
[He says it conversationally, like it's not a surprise at all. Gentaro didn't seem to hesitate when he asserted it.]
I hate...
[He could get in so much trouble for saying this, but he's relatively sure his car isn't bugged. Gentaro has always behaved and so has Dice. Dice never steps a single toe out of line, other than his one precious, secret midday smoke break.]
I'm not going to lie. I've hated my mom half of my life, but that's... not really important to you, I guess. If you want to sum it up: yes, I hate putting on a uniform and parading around like some good dog they've trained up to be their model male. It sucks, actually.
no subject
The admission is a dangerous thing. To say it to him, who's been marked by the Party as someone dangerous, is a monumental thing. He's stunned, really. There's more to Dice than the surface -- he's figured that out, but this is another layer.
Gentaro's quiet for a few moments. ]
Thank you for confiding in me. [ It's almost too vulnerable. Careful. But he means it. It paints an entirely new picture and more than that, Gentaro... feels himself softening. ] Truthfully, it sets me more at ease to know that this wasn't your idea. Sometimes, it seems like who you are is at odds with our.... situation.
no subject
[Dice hears him and hates that he's right, of course. He grips the steering wheel, then looks at the clock. They have time. He'd had ideas, but this conversation just might need to happen now, or it may never happen again.
Instead of turning toward the shops area, he takes a left, toward the a park.]
Look. I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me, so don't. If anybody's feeling sorry for anybody here, it's me. You want all this to stop, and I can't blame you. You have dirt on my mother only I know, and probably more than that. I know she put you in the hospital once, and I don't...
[He parks the car abruptly in a parking space.]
Look, I don't think it was right. I think the people ought to know the truth. Then they can make up their own minds if they want to keep supporting the Party or not.
no subject
[ He watches him. Honestly, it might be good to talk about this, even as viscerally uncomfortable as it is. Gentaro hates to admit it, but they have a connection. Knowing someone else feels the same as he does, someone on the inside who's just as angry...
It's really messing with his head. ]
Yes. That's why I can't give up. Keeping so many people in the dark will do nothing but create more problems and hurt more people. [ He lets out a breath. ] Having so many eyes on me is frustrating, but it can't be helped.
I wish I could believe that they'd let up, but I'm not a fool. I simply have to be much more careful.
no subject
He's a very good actor.]
I'm sorry it's like this. I guess... Thinking about it, at least it's me they have on you and not one of their high-ranked officials. Most of them are monsters. I hope I'm... at least not the worst company.
[He's quiet for a moment. At first he was paying him as hush money, but now he's paying him to soothe his own conscience. What the fuck is integrity?]
no subject
One of those is relief. He's not sure how to process that. He's not sure how to process his last comment, either. At the same time, for once, he... wants to be honest. ]
You're far from the worst company. [ ... ] That you've told me all of this means something, Dice. I... appreciate it.
no subject
Don't mention it. I'm... I don't know why I thought I should say it, honestly. Just know I don't hate you, I'm not doing all of this to just make fun of you or anything. I actually...
[Can he even admit that he likes Gentaro's company? That the sparse texts and infrequent occasions to meet are the highlights of his life? His pride won't allow that. He has to pivot wildly.]
Well, I guess what I mean to say is that if you ever get out of this, I won't come looking for you on their behalf. I'm not going that far. If you can get out of the country or something, do it.
no subject
And I don't hate you.
[ It should be suffocating in this car, the air thick with discomfort and tension. As he watches Dice, it feels nothing like that. They're just... two people who've been dealt a shitty hand. ]
I'm afraid I can't leave. I have my reasons, but it's not an option at this point. ... If the time comes, though, I'll keep that in mind.
no subject
[Dice understands being hated by association. It's why he doesn't have any friends. He's come to live with it, to deal with the isolation in his own way, with gambling and other vices. As long as he upholds whatever arbitrary virtues are placed on him, no one cares.]
Uh, so. Today... I was going to take you to a couple of places to see what you wanted to wear. The dress code is black tie, but some people are wearing traditional clothing. I thought I'd show you a formal kimono shop I heard about a while back. It... [Oh god, he feels so small and stupid saying this, and his face must absolutely be red.] ...sounded like something you'd like, so I thought I'd... you know. Let you pick. There's a suit shop next door, if you want that.
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Dice is definitely red, but Gentaro's flustered, too. He clears his throat. ]
... I would be much more comfortable in traditional clothing. [ Oh, this is so awkward. He would rather sink into the earth. ] ... Thank you. For giving me that choice.
[ He hopes Dice understands what that means. He thinks he might. ]
no subject
I mean, I don't think you look bad in a suit, but that kind of thing suits you best, right? It just looks right on you. Hope you find something you like. They had some plum...
[Oh god, he just nearly said something would look good on Gentaro. Not "not bad", actually good. He might die.]
Eh. Anyway, that's where we're headed. That's kind of... why I was excited. Thought it might be neat to see you pick something out.
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Not quickly enough, though. It's just different, seeing this side of Dice. There were hints of it, but this is something else. He's so considerate to think of Gentaro's comfort, what he likes... ]
I'm sure I will. [ He smiles, but it's not one of those soft ones: It's playful, teasing. ] If I dislike everything there, I'll have to charge you half a million yen.
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H-half a million?? Are you serious? Because 300 wasn't enough?
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[ He smirks at Dice. ]
300 was easily more than enough.
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[He grumbles slightly at falling prey to that one, but he had no real reason to disbelieve him. It's funny, but this feels... nice? Good? Like maybe he has a--]
Okay. I know I'm going to sound like a little kid asking this, but whatever. Do you want to... I mean, if it's okay with you, do you want to see if we can be actually cool? Like... friends?
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Are you sure?
no subject
[There is some level of acceptance of his situation. But he's increasingly seeing it as unfair to the target, Gentaro.]
If you want me to keep my distance, nothing's going to change.
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I wouldn't mind. We'll never know unless we try.
[ Inexplicably, he's smiling. It's far from the usual ones he lets Dice see. Instead, it's softer, more genuine, reaching his eyes. ]
no subject
Great. So we start with you feeling like you can be yourself a little bit, yeah? With the nice outfit. [He chances a little laugh, far less restrained than usual.] ...Man, I feel like I'm toeing the line between buying you a gift and bribing you, but we can work on that too.
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He tries not to focus too much on feeling like you can be yourself a little bit. How does he tell him that he's starting to lose a little bit of himself with each day? He won't, because that's too personal and vulnerable.
Admitting it would make it more real. ]
Ah, dear Dice, how generous of you... [ He gives him a teasing smile. ] Spoiling me? You must want to impress me, I see.
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I don't know about impressing you, but I'd rather make this whole thing mostly painless if it can't be actually nice.
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He lets out a sigh. ]
... I appreciate it. You don't have to do all of this, you know.
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Or is it likes?]
Ask anybody. They'll tell you I'm all about doing stuff other people think isn't necessary!
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