He takes a step closer and throws an arm around Gentaro's shoulders. The way they used to be, before...
It strikes Dice that Gentaro might hate him now. He handed over that manuscript, only mostly knowing what it was. He handed it and Gentaro's future over. He doesn't really know the truth behind its research and writing, which is another new revelation. But believing in Gentaro--in Fling Posse--has been the gamble he quite literally staked his life on.
Gentaro might find him cute and quaint and fascinating like a pathetic little animal, and still hate what he did. He falls silent for a moment, trying to think of what to say, arm frozen around Gentaro. It's been a while, he realizes, since they were closer than a few feet apart. Always an excuse and a reason that Dice fully bought, always something he laughed off and thought nothing more of. Did he do this? Did he break Gentaro's trust entirely?
Maybe Gentaro won't shrink away. Maybe they can talk about this like humans, like grown men. Like people who have given their souls to this world, hoping it's worth saving.
Or maybe Dice will have to try his hand at lying.]
[ His voice is flatter than usual, with none of the mirth that's usually there.
How can he keep distancing himself when Dice makes it so hard? It's stupid to keep doing this once Dice has locked onto something. He might be an idiot, but he's sharper than people give him credit for. Gentaro knows better than to underestimate him.
But he's not underestimating him. He just can't fathom opening his mouth and telling him the truth.
Gentaro tries not to lean into the touch. To his dismay, he can't keep himself from automatically reacting. He stiffens, though, and pulls away before heading to the kitchen. ]
Would you like some tea?
[ More avoidance, then. Gentaro's surprised Dice hasn't confronted him yet. It's only a matter of time, and the anticipation curls inside his chest, tight and suffocating. ]
[Maybe it's easier if he just comes out with his side of things. Maybe Gentaro won't make him press too hard. But he pulls away and something in Dice snaps.]
I don't want tea. I want you to talk to me for once. Not... at me, like you usually do. Or around me.
[He stands between Gentaro and the kitchen, not allowing him past.]
I heard your song. Even a dumbass like me can tell you're avoiding me, too. I mean... yeah, it took me a minute to figure it out, but you're moody, so it's hard! So what is it? Didja decide to hate me after all?
[ He expects it, but it isn't any less painful. Gentaro draws in a breath and curls his hands into fists. They're shaking, because everything is crumbling and he's terrified.
He can't look at Dice, but when hears that, the question of his hating Dice, his gaze snaps to him. Face drained of color, eyes wide, he shakes his head. ]
I don't hate you. [ He could never. Gentaro looks away again. ] ... It is simply something I must handle myself.
[ That won't get him off the hook. He knows that. He's only making things worse for them both, but maybe it'll show Dice that he's not the type of person deserving of his kindness or friendship. ]
Don't give me that bullshit. If you don't hate me, good luck getting rid of me! You're not alone.
[Dice's chest tightens for a moment. He doesn't know what he's feeling. He's not in tune with his feelings like that. But what he does know is that the thought of leaving Gentaro alone with whatever that song was about cuts him deeply. It makes him want to be sick.]
C'mon. You really can't tell me? Or if you don't want to tell me, tell Ramuda.
[ Playing this whole thing off or, worse, snapping back at him cross his mind. But this is Dice, the best of them, and no matter how much he doesn't want to deal with this, he can't.
Hurting Dice is the very last thing he ever wants to do. It's even more painful than being rejected and tossed aside for all the lies he's told. It's a line he won't cross.
For once, Gentaro doesn't know what to say. ]
I--
[ He's still not looking at him. When did it become so difficult to look at him and lie? ]
[ All of that-- it makes him feel even worse. The thing is, he knows Dice is nothing but genuine. He's honest and comfortable with who he is. He's the exact opposite of Gentaro.
He doesn't even know who he is, once he sheds the identity he's lived so, so long.
Drawing in a sharp breath, he curls his fists tighter to quell the shaking. He's drowning in guilt and self-hatred, and he's afraid of being rescued.
He's quiet, still not looking at him. The person Dice cares about and worries about is a counterfeit, a terrible imitation of someone who should be here instead. ]
I'm not worried that you'd tell anyone.
[ His voice is quiet, flat to keep the trembling out of it. It doesn't work.
Finally, he looks at him. ]
... Please, Dice. You-- I am-- It's-- [ .... ] This is nothing for you to worry about.
[He tries a smile. This is the most important relationship in his life, if he bothers to define any. Gentaro is the chain that holds his place as Fling Posse's anchor. He might be more than that, if Dice thinks hard enough.]
You gotta be kidding. Whatever it is, it's not gonna be as bad as that time you told me the pachinko parlor burned down. And that one was a lie.
[ Aside from a moment of pain flickering in his expression, Gentaro doesn't react. He knows Dice is trying to lighten the mood. Gentaro studies his face, heart aching at the attempt to smile.
With a heavy sigh, he pulls away and goes to sit on the couch. ]
[Dice lets him go, but not before ducking into the kitchen for a second to swipe a bottle of cold tea from the fridge. He's sure Gentaro will hate that, but something in his expression makes Dice almost think the impossible is going to happen: that Gentaro might cry. He'd rather have an out for the man if he needs it.
So he takes the tea and opens it, taking a swig as he joins Gentaro, seated a companionable distance away. The tea is settled in between them on the coffee table.]
[ The knot in his chest tightens again. Dice isn't wrong -- he might cry. This secret has been his own, aside from Yanagida. It's hard to even know where or how to begin.
His gaze is trained on his hands, curled into his hakama. It's not like he can stall forever.
He lifts his head and takes a deep breath. ]
The manuscript I gave you... I'm not its true author. It was written by--
[ His hands are trembling again. ]
... I am not Yumeno Gentaro. [ He echoes something he'd told Ramuda and Dice a while back. He'd played it off as a joke, but now he's deadly serious. ] That name belongs to my brother.
[Dice waits for the knife, but it doesn't take any form he suspects. Or rather, he's only partially informed, so he doesn't know why this should hurt. Like a beloved animal companion, he can sense Gentaro's distress, but he lacks crucial information. So his head tilts a bit as he watches him.]
...okay? So your brother wrote it? I don't get it.
I took on my brother's identity. I've been living as him for years now. In nearly every way, from the way I speak to my writing and my clothes, I've become him.
[ He pauses, glancing away from Dice to compose himself. There's no use in prolonging this when he's hanging on by just a thread. ]
He spent a very long time gathering information on the Party's corruption. He did so at the risk of losing his own life. When they discovered what he'd done, they took him down.
For as long as I've been Yumeno Gentaro, he has been in the hospital. He hasn't woken up since.
[ He's still looking away, because it's easier this way. His jaw is tight, like he's clenching his teeth to keep himself from breaking completely.
Finally, he looks at him. ]
I've been lying to you both from the moment we met.
[Dice feels... oddly cold as Gentaro continues. It takes him some time to catch up, to process everything, but he eventually starts putting the pieces together.
Gentaro is living a very elaborate lie. Not only that, but he's doing it on behalf of the person who risked his life for the secrets Dice just handed over... His own brother. Before he can stop himself, he's staring deeply and intently at the tea bottle, and he murmurs:]
Families sure are complicated.
[After a beat, he seems to realize he's spoken, and he starts a bit. He looks at Gentaro with slight embarrassed alarm, waving his hands a bit dismissively.]
Sorry, that's kinda stupid of me to say. Uhh... [How does he even?? He looks Gentaro over, wondering in all actuality if this revelation is going to make him transform into someone else. When it doesn't, he fidgets with his hands for a moment, eventually touching the fingertips of one hand to Gentaro's cheek.]
I'm really sorry. I mean. I made it worse, right? 'Cause all that stuff he fought for and got hurt for, my bright idea was to hand it over to my mom. Maybe it saved Ramuda, but I bet you've been thinkin' ever since then that maybe there coulda been another way.
[He sighs and pulls his hand away. It was kinda... well, if he's honest with himself that gentle gesture was kinda... gay? Like literally homosexual. And he's not down to see how Gentaro will react to that right now, even considering everything they've done and been through.]
But, man... I don't care who you aren't. Nobody's that good at lyin'. You can't really tell me this is all fake. Like that we're not really friends because you're lying, or something like that. That woulda stopped me ages ago if I gave a fuck. And I don't. Like, seriously. I don't. So worry about the rest of it, I guess, but not that.
As much as he wants it to, it doesn't soothe the anxiety coiled up inside him. He wishes it would. Even that gentle touch doesn't do it, but it shows just how good Dice is.
It reminds him of his feelings, how when he imagines his future, he wants Dice to be there next to him. ]
... I gave it to you for a reason. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the same. You have no reason to apologize.
[ He folds his hands in his lap. If he doesn't, the urge to reach out and touch Dice would be impossible to fight. His touch had reminded him just how starved for it he is.
For what feels like forever, he's quiet, struggling with something. He takes a deep breath. ]
I showed you what I needed to. I've played my part well.
... I no longer know who I truly am.
[ And at that, his voice cracks. Gentaro looks away, just as he feels the telltale sting of tears. He puts a hand over his mouth, mortified and ashamed. ]
[Watching him struggle for what he wants to say, then seeing him continue the self-deprecation rouses something in Dice that he only feels during battles. He doesn't have to see Gentaro's face properly to know how it looks right now, and to imagine him crying. Dice thinks he's caught him doing it once or twice, but he never knew why, or what could possibly cause someone as seemingly outwardly cold as Gentaro to have that deep of an emotion.
He knows him better than that, though. As he puts his arms around Gentaro, ducks his head against the man's neck, and protects him from the world, he knows many things. He knows this won't be enough, because nothing can be. He knows that the pain Gentaro feels is real, even if he claims he lives a lie. He knows the depths at which Gentaro must hide his true self.]
I know. Even if you're not sure, I know who you are. You're my best friend. You can't fake what we've been through together, okay? I'm gonna keep you safe until you get outta feelin' like that and start feelin' like you. I'm not leavin' your side.
[ Being so physically close isn't uncommon for Fling Posse. They're the only ones he'll let close enough. He's gotten used to those casual touches, but this-- This is something else entirely.
He stiffens for a moment or two. It's like Dice has scruffed him like you would a kitten, because he doesn't know how to react at first. He wants nothing more than to stop thinking for once in his life. He usually can't afford it. With Dice's arms around him now, with all of his baggage laid out between them, maybe he can allow himself to just feel.
That warmth is comforting, and Dice is solid and unwavering. Slowly, he relaxes, and turns in Dice's arms. Releasing a shuddering breath, he curls into Dice. There are still so many things he can't face or begin to think about facing. It's going to take a long time to sift through it all.
Here in Dice's arms, though, as he wraps his arms around him and clings to him, he thinks he can forget about it all. Just for a little while. ]
Thank you, [ he murmurs against his neck, because he doesn't know what else to say. ]
[Dice doesn't have it in himself to respond further, because the way Gentaro starts clinging to him activates that protectiveness further, and he worries that if he speaks, he'll break the spell. And it is like a spell. It feels foreign and uncontrollable, like he's started a chain reaction he can't stop.
Because now his best friend, who he considers relatively invincible in day-to-day life, is admitting to being so broken that he doesn't even know what the pieces look like anymore. Gentaro's tears are absorbed into Dice's shirt, and he treats his arms around the man like armor. He doesn't want to see them, he thinks, because he doesn't like seeing Gentaro hurt. And it occurs to him that perhaps he shouldn't call him Gentaro, because that's not really his name... But for the sake of the moment and for the sake of his sanity, he sticks with it for now in his mind.
Later, they can sort out the more difficult parts of this, for Dice. If routines should change. If things familiar should be made foreign, and vice versa. They can sort out whether Dice even wants a "truth" in all of this, as he may be content to let Gentaro heal and evolve at his own pace. He probably is, and Gentaro probably should. Dice isn't so egotistical as to demand anything from this, or to expect to be let in any further. This isn't his fight, so he'll try to stay out of it to a point.
The thing is... when he sees someone he cares about suffering, he needs to take the shortest and often most brutal route to a solution. He can apologize for his bluntness in another lifetime, maybe when he cares about that kind of thing. For now, all he can do is hold Gentaro a little tighter. He can't fix this, or shield him from the truth. He can't make the pain go away, or heal Gentaro's brother--the real holder of the name he's murmured alongside his own too many times to count.
So he runs a hand into Gentaro's hair and soothes him with gentle strokes, hoping this will somehow make the spell complete.]
[ It's rare for Dice to be so pensive, but it isn't a surprise when he sees it. There's more to him than what he shows on the surface. It's one of the things he loves so dearly about him. And that's what it is, what he feels. The thought has crossed his mind and he's acknowledged it, but only just. There are so many other things he's been caught up in. That he's gone this long without breaking is impressive.
Everything he's pushed down comes to the surface. His guilt, his inability to face himself and admit that he doesn't know who he is, the shame of lying to the people he loves most... it's overwhelming. Dice has always been the heart of Fling Posse, and sometimes, he worries about how much Dice places on his own shoulders. He's never lost that warmth and steadiness. It means more than he can ever say to be held like this.
He can't remember the last time anyone held him like this. Dice's hand in his hair, feeling each rise and fall of his chest (and he swears he can feel Dice's heart beating against his), the warmth of his skin all soothe him. The broken pieces still rest scattered all around him, but for now, he lets them stay there.
His hands curl around Dice's shirt. His heart beats faster, because what he wants to tell him feels so much bigger than anything else. Drawing in a breath, he murmurs against his neck, ]
Kanata. [ It feels so foreign to say. The name he'd shed years ago doesn't sound quite right, but this is something that's his. ] My name.
[Dice tenses for a moment when Gentaro inhales to speak, and what he hears isn't anything he expected. Actually, he's not sure what he expected, so it takes him until Gentaro explains for him to get it. When he does, he tucks his head a little closer, his lips near Gentaro's--no, Kanata's ear.]
[ He closes his eyes, because after everything, he thinks he feels at ease. Not completely, of course, but this intimacy, the secret he's kept to himself for so long, and Dice's lips so close to his ear...
He takes Dice's hand in his own. On his palm, he writes with his finger his name: 彼方 ]
[He watches closely as the characters are written, knowing the calluses on Gentaro's fingertips came at a price. They're his, even if he earned them living someone else's life. With a soft smile, he closes his hand over the lingering sensation.]
Okay. I'll remember it.
[After a moment, he replaces the sensation he grasped with a movement to take Gentaro's hand in his own. Gently sweeping his thumb over Gentaro's palm, he traces the edges of each callus, each line and ridge.]
I can't set you free from all that, you know? I don't know how to protect you from yourself yet, but I'll damn sure keep trying. Until you can live as yourself, even, if you want. As Kanata.
[He releases Gentaro's hand and returns to holding him.]
Thanks for trusting me. I mean it. I wanna be your rock, if I can be. I wanna be... I dunno what, but I wanna be by your side when you face all this stuff. When you take it on, if you wanna. I'm not walking away.
[He has so much to say but no desire to get into it, because this isn't about him. This is about Gentaro, and Kanata, and that future that Dice won't allow himself to miss out on.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Normal. Normal. Be normal.
He takes a step closer and throws an arm around Gentaro's shoulders. The way they used to be, before...
It strikes Dice that Gentaro might hate him now. He handed over that manuscript, only mostly knowing what it was. He handed it and Gentaro's future over. He doesn't really know the truth behind its research and writing, which is another new revelation. But believing in Gentaro--in Fling Posse--has been the gamble he quite literally staked his life on.
Gentaro might find him cute and quaint and fascinating like a pathetic little animal, and still hate what he did. He falls silent for a moment, trying to think of what to say, arm frozen around Gentaro. It's been a while, he realizes, since they were closer than a few feet apart. Always an excuse and a reason that Dice fully bought, always something he laughed off and thought nothing more of. Did he do this? Did he break Gentaro's trust entirely?
Maybe Gentaro won't shrink away. Maybe they can talk about this like humans, like grown men. Like people who have given their souls to this world, hoping it's worth saving.
Or maybe Dice will have to try his hand at lying.]
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[ His voice is flatter than usual, with none of the mirth that's usually there.
How can he keep distancing himself when Dice makes it so hard? It's stupid to keep doing this once Dice has locked onto something. He might be an idiot, but he's sharper than people give him credit for. Gentaro knows better than to underestimate him.
But he's not underestimating him. He just can't fathom opening his mouth and telling him the truth.
Gentaro tries not to lean into the touch. To his dismay, he can't keep himself from automatically reacting. He stiffens, though, and pulls away before heading to the kitchen. ]
Would you like some tea?
[ More avoidance, then. Gentaro's surprised Dice hasn't confronted him yet. It's only a matter of time, and the anticipation curls inside his chest, tight and suffocating. ]
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I don't want tea. I want you to talk to me for once. Not... at me, like you usually do. Or around me.
[He stands between Gentaro and the kitchen, not allowing him past.]
I heard your song. Even a dumbass like me can tell you're avoiding me, too. I mean... yeah, it took me a minute to figure it out, but you're moody, so it's hard! So what is it? Didja decide to hate me after all?
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He can't look at Dice, but when hears that, the question of his hating Dice, his gaze snaps to him. Face drained of color, eyes wide, he shakes his head. ]
I don't hate you. [ He could never. Gentaro looks away again. ] ... It is simply something I must handle myself.
[ That won't get him off the hook. He knows that. He's only making things worse for them both, but maybe it'll show Dice that he's not the type of person deserving of his kindness or friendship. ]
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[Dice's chest tightens for a moment. He doesn't know what he's feeling. He's not in tune with his feelings like that. But what he does know is that the thought of leaving Gentaro alone with whatever that song was about cuts him deeply. It makes him want to be sick.]
C'mon. You really can't tell me? Or if you don't want to tell me, tell Ramuda.
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Hurting Dice is the very last thing he ever wants to do. It's even more painful than being rejected and tossed aside for all the lies he's told. It's a line he won't cross.
For once, Gentaro doesn't know what to say. ]
I--
[ He's still not looking at him. When did it become so difficult to look at him and lie? ]
It's not that simple.
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Hey... I'm tryin', here. Let me make it easier on you. Who'd I even tell? You and Ramuda, you're the only people I give a fuck about.
[It's so obvious, if he thinks hard. But that's difficult.]
...Your song. It kinda... I got kinda worried about you.
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He doesn't even know who he is, once he sheds the identity he's lived so, so long.
Drawing in a sharp breath, he curls his fists tighter to quell the shaking. He's drowning in guilt and self-hatred, and he's afraid of being rescued.
He's quiet, still not looking at him. The person Dice cares about and worries about is a counterfeit, a terrible imitation of someone who should be here instead. ]
I'm not worried that you'd tell anyone.
[ His voice is quiet, flat to keep the trembling out of it. It doesn't work.
Finally, he looks at him. ]
... Please, Dice. You-- I am-- It's-- [ .... ] This is nothing for you to worry about.
[ But he sounds so, so resigned. ]
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[He's not sure what it could possibly be. All he knows is that it's hurting Gentaro, and Gentaro hurting hurts him.
He moves closer, clapping his hands down on Gentaro's shoulders and giving him a gentle jostle.]
I'm already worried. I'll worry less if you're feelin' better.
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With Dice's warm, strong hands on his shoulders, he can't. He's exhausted and worn down, shoulders bowed from the weight of guilt and fear.
It's frustrating to be caught between hiding and confiding in someone he loves. ]
You won't think of me the same. You may even hate me.
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[He tries a smile. This is the most important relationship in his life, if he bothers to define any. Gentaro is the chain that holds his place as Fling Posse's anchor. He might be more than that, if Dice thinks hard enough.]
You gotta be kidding. Whatever it is, it's not gonna be as bad as that time you told me the pachinko parlor burned down. And that one was a lie.
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With a heavy sigh, he pulls away and goes to sit on the couch. ]
Join me, then.
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So he takes the tea and opens it, taking a swig as he joins Gentaro, seated a companionable distance away. The tea is settled in between them on the coffee table.]
...I'm serious. I'm not gonna hate you.
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His gaze is trained on his hands, curled into his hakama. It's not like he can stall forever.
He lifts his head and takes a deep breath. ]
The manuscript I gave you... I'm not its true author. It was written by--
[ His hands are trembling again. ]
... I am not Yumeno Gentaro. [ He echoes something he'd told Ramuda and Dice a while back. He'd played it off as a joke, but now he's deadly serious. ] That name belongs to my brother.
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...okay? So your brother wrote it? I don't get it.
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[ He pauses, glancing away from Dice to compose himself. There's no use in prolonging this when he's hanging on by just a thread. ]
He spent a very long time gathering information on the Party's corruption. He did so at the risk of losing his own life. When they discovered what he'd done, they took him down.
For as long as I've been Yumeno Gentaro, he has been in the hospital. He hasn't woken up since.
[ He's still looking away, because it's easier this way. His jaw is tight, like he's clenching his teeth to keep himself from breaking completely.
Finally, he looks at him. ]
I've been lying to you both from the moment we met.
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Gentaro is living a very elaborate lie. Not only that, but he's doing it on behalf of the person who risked his life for the secrets Dice just handed over... His own brother. Before he can stop himself, he's staring deeply and intently at the tea bottle, and he murmurs:]
Families sure are complicated.
[After a beat, he seems to realize he's spoken, and he starts a bit. He looks at Gentaro with slight embarrassed alarm, waving his hands a bit dismissively.]
Sorry, that's kinda stupid of me to say. Uhh... [How does he even?? He looks Gentaro over, wondering in all actuality if this revelation is going to make him transform into someone else. When it doesn't, he fidgets with his hands for a moment, eventually touching the fingertips of one hand to Gentaro's cheek.]
I'm really sorry. I mean. I made it worse, right? 'Cause all that stuff he fought for and got hurt for, my bright idea was to hand it over to my mom. Maybe it saved Ramuda, but I bet you've been thinkin' ever since then that maybe there coulda been another way.
[He sighs and pulls his hand away. It was kinda... well, if he's honest with himself that gentle gesture was kinda... gay? Like literally homosexual. And he's not down to see how Gentaro will react to that right now, even considering everything they've done and been through.]
But, man... I don't care who you aren't. Nobody's that good at lyin'. You can't really tell me this is all fake. Like that we're not really friends because you're lying, or something like that. That woulda stopped me ages ago if I gave a fuck. And I don't. Like, seriously. I don't. So worry about the rest of it, I guess, but not that.
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As much as he wants it to, it doesn't soothe the anxiety coiled up inside him. He wishes it would. Even that gentle touch doesn't do it, but it shows just how good Dice is.
It reminds him of his feelings, how when he imagines his future, he wants Dice to be there next to him. ]
... I gave it to you for a reason. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the same. You have no reason to apologize.
[ He folds his hands in his lap. If he doesn't, the urge to reach out and touch Dice would be impossible to fight. His touch had reminded him just how starved for it he is.
For what feels like forever, he's quiet, struggling with something. He takes a deep breath. ]
I showed you what I needed to. I've played my part well.
... I no longer know who I truly am.
[ And at that, his voice cracks. Gentaro looks away, just as he feels the telltale sting of tears. He puts a hand over his mouth, mortified and ashamed. ]
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He knows him better than that, though. As he puts his arms around Gentaro, ducks his head against the man's neck, and protects him from the world, he knows many things. He knows this won't be enough, because nothing can be. He knows that the pain Gentaro feels is real, even if he claims he lives a lie. He knows the depths at which Gentaro must hide his true self.]
I know. Even if you're not sure, I know who you are. You're my best friend. You can't fake what we've been through together, okay? I'm gonna keep you safe until you get outta feelin' like that and start feelin' like you. I'm not leavin' your side.
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He stiffens for a moment or two. It's like Dice has scruffed him like you would a kitten, because he doesn't know how to react at first. He wants nothing more than to stop thinking for once in his life. He usually can't afford it. With Dice's arms around him now, with all of his baggage laid out between them, maybe he can allow himself to just feel.
That warmth is comforting, and Dice is solid and unwavering. Slowly, he relaxes, and turns in Dice's arms. Releasing a shuddering breath, he curls into Dice. There are still so many things he can't face or begin to think about facing. It's going to take a long time to sift through it all.
Here in Dice's arms, though, as he wraps his arms around him and clings to him, he thinks he can forget about it all. Just for a little while. ]
Thank you, [ he murmurs against his neck, because he doesn't know what else to say. ]
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[Dice doesn't have it in himself to respond further, because the way Gentaro starts clinging to him activates that protectiveness further, and he worries that if he speaks, he'll break the spell. And it is like a spell. It feels foreign and uncontrollable, like he's started a chain reaction he can't stop.
Because now his best friend, who he considers relatively invincible in day-to-day life, is admitting to being so broken that he doesn't even know what the pieces look like anymore. Gentaro's tears are absorbed into Dice's shirt, and he treats his arms around the man like armor. He doesn't want to see them, he thinks, because he doesn't like seeing Gentaro hurt. And it occurs to him that perhaps he shouldn't call him Gentaro, because that's not really his name... But for the sake of the moment and for the sake of his sanity, he sticks with it for now in his mind.
Later, they can sort out the more difficult parts of this, for Dice. If routines should change. If things familiar should be made foreign, and vice versa. They can sort out whether Dice even wants a "truth" in all of this, as he may be content to let Gentaro heal and evolve at his own pace. He probably is, and Gentaro probably should. Dice isn't so egotistical as to demand anything from this, or to expect to be let in any further. This isn't his fight, so he'll try to stay out of it to a point.
The thing is... when he sees someone he cares about suffering, he needs to take the shortest and often most brutal route to a solution. He can apologize for his bluntness in another lifetime, maybe when he cares about that kind of thing. For now, all he can do is hold Gentaro a little tighter. He can't fix this, or shield him from the truth. He can't make the pain go away, or heal Gentaro's brother--the real holder of the name he's murmured alongside his own too many times to count.
So he runs a hand into Gentaro's hair and soothes him with gentle strokes, hoping this will somehow make the spell complete.]
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Everything he's pushed down comes to the surface. His guilt, his inability to face himself and admit that he doesn't know who he is, the shame of lying to the people he loves most... it's overwhelming. Dice has always been the heart of Fling Posse, and sometimes, he worries about how much Dice places on his own shoulders. He's never lost that warmth and steadiness. It means more than he can ever say to be held like this.
He can't remember the last time anyone held him like this. Dice's hand in his hair, feeling each rise and fall of his chest (and he swears he can feel Dice's heart beating against his), the warmth of his skin all soothe him. The broken pieces still rest scattered all around him, but for now, he lets them stay there.
His hands curl around Dice's shirt. His heart beats faster, because what he wants to tell him feels so much bigger than anything else. Drawing in a breath, he murmurs against his neck, ]
Kanata. [ It feels so foreign to say. The name he'd shed years ago doesn't sound quite right, but this is something that's his. ] My name.
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How's it written?
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He takes Dice's hand in his own. On his palm, he writes with his finger his name: 彼方 ]
Just like that.
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Okay. I'll remember it.
[After a moment, he replaces the sensation he grasped with a movement to take Gentaro's hand in his own. Gently sweeping his thumb over Gentaro's palm, he traces the edges of each callus, each line and ridge.]
I can't set you free from all that, you know? I don't know how to protect you from yourself yet, but I'll damn sure keep trying. Until you can live as yourself, even, if you want. As Kanata.
[He releases Gentaro's hand and returns to holding him.]
Thanks for trusting me. I mean it. I wanna be your rock, if I can be. I wanna be... I dunno what, but I wanna be by your side when you face all this stuff. When you take it on, if you wanna. I'm not walking away.
[He has so much to say but no desire to get into it, because this isn't about him. This is about Gentaro, and Kanata, and that future that Dice won't allow himself to miss out on.]
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